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DOOKIE: A COLOURFUL LIFE
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CHAPTER 7
Careful; trigger warning / language
DOOKIEBOOKS.COM
GAME PLAN! WHAT GAME PLAN?
Our hero and the gang of misfits stepped up training to every few days. Well, ‘train’ is a loose term to use for our bunch of misfits. Even our hero has no idea how to defeat the enemy. This, a major flaw in his plan, has become clear.
What a twat!
The snowflakes know. The hipsters know. The ‘they couldn’t give a fucks’ know. Shit! even the left wing ‘let’s all just get along’ mums lot know!!!
What to do? Now our hero is in danger of becoming a party organiser for the snowflakes damn it. How was he going to direct this fight? He needs to find a weakness that doesn’t involve running everyone over with a bus!!
He thinks back to the day he watched Nikel berate little D.C. and how it had no effect on him. How? Why? And when Nikel got “bused” by Dastardly Di the Dick; he seemed to become sort of nice for a bit. What were these anomalies, and could they be turned into some kind of attack?
At the next meeting he tries to focus on this with D.C.
Whilst the other snowflakes discuss important issues such as how much better call of duty is compared to red dead redemption, our hero side-lines D.C. and asks him about that day.
Dookie hands him his phone and D.C. watched the footage from the demon app and laughs.
“Oh yeah, I remember that day. Nothing could bring me down I was so happy”
He explains.
“I hadn’t been in long when Nikel had a go at me. I wasn’t really listening to him cuz I had just finished watching scooby doo at home when i looked out of my window and saw my neighbour at his. err I mean her window with no clothes on!!! First fully nude real-life chick I’ve ever seen. Milf dude”
Our hero turns to face the wall. Headbutts the wall three times and confirms.
“Wow. Ok. So, you were just really happy.”
After happiness is confirmed as the reason the demon had no effect on the confused little perverse moron, our hero could make a game plan. Finally, for real.
He gathers the snowflakes together in an NFL type huddle and explains the new mission. He asks them all to be overly nice to everyone. No matter what. All the market staff! He iterates to them, not just the corporate demon dildos in line with Dastardly Di the Dick, they need to be nice and talkative to the rest of the staff too.
Sausage pipes up.
“What, even the checkout staff??”
Dookie responds.
“Yes, guys even that lot”
He goes on to explain he will be recording as much as he can with the demon app to see if anything changes day to day etc.
HAPPY SATURDAY
It’s Saturday morning 0800. The marketplace is quiet. Nikel unlocks the front doors and pushes them open. Dookie stands in the open doorway with him.
“Remember when we used to have a line of customers waiting to get in here boss?”
He asks
Nikel pauses for a second and answers.
“Those were the days eh.”
He turns and quietly walks away with his recently acquired limp to the back area. His head hung low as he knew it was dig at him and the regime he backs. The truth hurts, almost as much as the bus did!
One by one the snowflakes arrive throughout the day. Each of them bounding in with big smiles and full of beans. Our hero follows them all throughout the day using the demon app over the CCTV cameras.
Giggling and skipping around like a couple of little girls he watches Gorey and Hillbilly doing no actual work whatsoever but making a positive impact on those around them they definitely were. You couldn’t help but laugh at the morons. Jumping between the market stalls tossing a bouncy ball at one another. Not like they had to worry about tripping up a customer as there were none.
The two Snowflakes skipped around, encouraging others they encountered to join in as they bounced the little rubber ball toward them and throwing their arms in the air, ready to catch the return volley. The market stall staff parried the ball back to them and laughed together as the wollies wollupt into each other trying to catch it on the returning bounce as they skipped past the fizzy pop stall.
Bree and D.C. were running amuck too. Messing around on the bakery stall throwing flour over Tups. Dookie laughs ridiculously as he watches Sausage try to put the holes in the day’s batch of donuts, whilst being caught up laughing along with the others.
Getlan stood at the front of the market, grabbed the tannoy microphone and started rapping like snoop had tried to teach him as a child. However,….. Middle class Dragon Valley issues don’t have the same deep emotional angst as the lyrics spat by those from the poor tormented states of violence where snoop and the O.G. were dragged up. Therefore, it was funny as hell! From the misery squad on the tills to the demonic management, all were laughing.
Dookie captured it all on the demon app. The colours beaming off the possessed were amazing. Not so much dark mauve and black as usual, but some had orange, pink, sky blue, letter box red. This was amazing stuff. A real breakthrough!! To top it all off, although our hero hadn’t witnessed it for himself, rumours emerged that afternoon that Nikel was seen smiling and even the elusive market leader popped her head out of the office for two or maybe three seconds.
Short lived as it was, customers did eventually start to build up in the marketplace and everyone got on with their jobs. Serving those precious, neglected customers as best they could, after all, the poor bastards were paying an extortionate price on the products.
Maybe teaching the snowflakes how to drop and roll or sweep a leg was all well and good but when the demons can just flick you across the room, it seems almost pointless. No. This newfound information may actually be useful. Happiness. Niceness. Friendliness. Seems like these may be the key to unlocking this mystery.
‘Almost like having good morals is essential to a good life!!’
Dookie thought to himself.
Toward the end of the day Dookie decided that they needed to catch one! Experiment on it!
At the end of the week the team meets up again. Dookie congratulates the Snowflakes & Hipsters on a great job, and shares the news from the demon app.
The team makes a plan to get one of the younger manager demons to go out with them. They identify Nash, the lesser manager in charge of bread and baked good stalls as a prime candidate. Young, newish, most likely to be strong enough to fight his inner demon. So, they target him for the set up.
The young Snowflakes set upon him for a few days. Targeting him with niceness and all that silly shit. They loaded him up with as much happiness as they could thrust upon anyone in four days! Then they bugged him to go party with them. They promise drinks, women, drugs…. All a good little demon would want on a Friday night!
The young demon agrees to the Friday night out and D.C. agrees to pick him up first then they would supposedly go pick the others up.
The scene is set when the group arrives early that Friday evening. The abandoned farm building is rigged with a projector, a one-hundred-inch screen and surround sound courtesy of Gorey.
“Wow, where’d you get all this from dude”
Asks Dookie.
Gorey replies
“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me”
The gang, hearing this, looked at one another, more confused than normal then looked to Dookie for reassurance.
“By the grace of…”
Our hero proclaims as he winks at Gorey.
Then laughs and shouts out.
“Well let’s rig up the restraints just in case guys.”
They all fall in line and get to work.
Our hero pulls D.C. to the side to set him on his way. With a reassuring pat on the back, he tells the young Snowflake it’s all gonna be fine and to make his way back safe and sound.
D.C. hurries over to his piece of shit car, jumps in, turns the engine over and starts bumping Katie Perry’ Firework song! Our hero laughs as he watches little D.C. go off into the village.
He makes his way through the narrow village roads in his piece of shit car. The disco ball and neon lights dancing in the darkness as he goes to pick up the lesser manager demon, Nash.
Outside Nash’s house he honks the horn twice. A few seconds later, Nash appears from the front door and walks down the garden path and toward the awaiting snowflake. From the doorway an older lady appears, waving her hand gently and shouts toward Nash
“Enjoy yourself son, try and relax yeah”
Nash jumps in the front passenger seat and looks at D.C., D.C., cool and calm, looks back at him and blasts the stereo. Thumping out of the massively oversized speakers was now Pharrell’ ‘happy’!!
After a few minutes of listening to this loud happy style of music, one stupid song after another and watching D.C. bop his head and tap his hands along with the music, the usually miserable Nash started to join in. Bopping his head, just slightly, along with the Snowflake.
They arrive back at the barn after just 15 minutes or so. D.C. jumps out of the car telling Nash to do the same.
Nash looks confused but the happy music is now playing around the barn and the large screen is playing the video to accompany the tunes! He lets himself out of the car and joins the snowflakes dancing around like a bunch of Ewoks.
Our hero looks on, from the darkness, ready to pounce if the demon kicks off. He can’t help but be proud of them all. Holding their nerves as they were. Especially little D.C., there’s more to this guy than the wolly he shows off to the world.
After a few cocktails, courtesy of Hillbilly. Loaded with sugary stupidity and lots of Vodka to keep the smiles going. The experiment was paying off.
Nash was loaded on happy music, happy videos, and happy juice. Plus, it seemed he was actually enjoying himself, then just a few minutes later he collapsed flat on his back!
Our hero and his crew watch on, worried, excited, scared! Getlan couldn’t take the pressure and knocked himself out with a chopstick to the jaw and D.C. masturbated slowly for what seemed an eternity to them all.
Nash suddenly collapses. Laid out on the dirty floor everyone pauses. Then his body flips over, his ass in the air and face on the dirty cobbled floor. A massive, loud, smelly grunt of a fart came thundering out of the balloon knot and no sooner had the sound stopped the whole gang witnessed the demon crawl from the back passage of his possessed host.
The mongrel shit covered demon in its natural form was an ugly, short mother fucker to say the least. With a twisted spine, skin covered in warts and giant claw like hands and feet. It stood at the foot of its freed host drooling and snarling savagely at the snowflakes.
It eyed them up one by one. Looking for the tastiest looking rectum to rip into.
The snowflakes stood, frozen in shock from what they were witnessing. Then our hero jumps from the darkness and grabs the freakish demon fuck by its scaley wart covered neck. He picks up the 3-foot demon to face it.
The demon quivers as he comes face to face with Dookie. Scared, it cowers and recoils its claws scratching
“Oh no, no…. devil dog oh no it’s you”.
Dookie raises his other arm and using a torch with the power of a million candles, an old man, O Rhodiwan, had given him some years prior, he shines the brightness into the demon’s eyes!!
The demon screeches out and flakes away into dust. The wind carries it off into the fields and Nash is free of the demon’s grip.
Slapping his hands together to rid them of the dusty residue, Dookie can’t help but wonder what the dead demon meant by his dying statement.
Meanwhile, Nash, grabbing at his turtles hiding place in pain screams out
“What the fuck is happing”.
He explains, in a confused and panicked manner, to the group as he grapples with the seeping tear in his behind, that he can sort of remember everything and that he just felt angry all the time like he had no control over what he was doing or saying. He begins to apologize to all the snowflakes for treating them like crap.
The Snowflakes treat him like one of their own. They kneel beside the freaked out and shaking Nash, each place a hand on him and let him know it’ll be ok. Bree starts to unzip but the others stop the nymphomaniac and advise her it’s not the appropriate time to try and get laid.
Dookie, feeling finally vindicated in his years-long pursuit of righteousness, scans his eyes across the room with what must have been the biggest smile ever beaming from ear to ear. Not just because he had been proven right, but because he could now finally tool up and rid the dragon valley of all these colonic cretins!
As he continued his blissful moment of tranquillity, he noticed Gorey texting like a madman and then watched the little snowflake fuck up slink off to the back of the barn. What was he doing? Was he betraying the group in their moment of wonder?
Surely, he just needed a good old fashion clip round the ear and a whack of confidence on the back.
Our hero followed him out back.
As he got to the muddy driveway Gorey was already full steam up the drive!
Dookie shouts back to Hillbilly.
“Oi Gorey just grand theft goat’d you bro!”
Hillbilly screamed out in pain as he’d never been more than 50 feet away from his beloved Herbert.
Our hero took off on foot, his belly once again, jiggling like jelly on a plate. Panting like an overheated lion, the fat bastard was going for it. You’d like to think he was running but… let’s say it was a very fastish walk! He chased after Gorey even as he lost sight of him in the darkness. The stench of Herbert’s neglect, now a trail to guide him through the dark thick brush of the valley.
An hour went by, and our hero finally saw lights over the brow of a distant hill. As he reached the peak he collapsed in a heap. Steam bellowing from his still wobbling and numb, sweaty body. He prayed for water! Water that had been heated up of course with a little shot of coffee with some sugar and milk of course!! Donut wouldn’t go a miss either.
It had been years since he ran anywhere. Up that mountain from the green backs to be honest. Why run when it’s so much nicer to drive eh. Lazy sod. He wonders for a moment if this apparent demonic swathe taking over the local lands has anything to do with those Green Backs?
He shakes his head. More. Again. He shakes his head and punches the dirt, as he fights back those dark thoughts of his past. He files the anger back in his mind. Breathe. He says aloud. A few deep breaths and he calms himself down.
He collects his thoughts and refocuses on his traitorous snowflake.
The lights were coming from a private airfield. Gorey had broken through the barrier and was making his way to a private jet? Dookie follows him and moves in for a closer look.
The door to the jet opens up and smoke bellows out knocking Gorey back on the steps a little.
Like a baby elephant, Dookie tries to conceal himself in the small shrubs and short grass as he continues his frantic approach. Now attempting to belly crawl, his fingertips barely reaching the dirt to pull his sizable body along, his progress slows. A new tactic. Walrus attack! He folds his arms back and flops himself along at speed. Now right under the wing next to the stairs he can see everything.
The new pope, Frank, stands at the doorway and greets Gorey with a huge hug and kisses on the cheeks. Gorey kneels at his new Pontiff’s feet and kisses his ring. The pope helps him up and they both move inside the plane.
Our hero pauses for a minute to let this new development sink in. I mean, the Pope? Here? Dookie gets his phone out and points it at Frank as he moves past the windows of his private jet. He switches the demon app on and watches for its colours to show. Frank is definitely a Demon ruled shell. The darkness coming off him is pure black!
As our hero moves in, it hits him, maybe this is where the tech in the barn came from! Gorey’ not be betraying us, he’s hooking us up! With that thought, our hero skips up the steps and pokes his head into the plane. Hopeful of saving the snowflake from a cavity demon taking up residency in his lower intestines.
What he sees he can never unsee. Plus, he’s still got the demon app on record so if nobody believes him, they can watch it. Cardinals, nuns, the pilot, all spouting off dark colours of the devil. Everyone on the plane seemed to be infected, everyone except an older gent in a large wax over coat. Just at a glance anyone would know, this was the famous Vin Hoisin, Vatican assassin.
Frank and Vin Hoisin were spit roasting Gorey with the help of two cardinals who were physically spinning the snowflake around.
The debauchery went on for around twenty minutes until the old guy had to take a nap. While he did, our hero calmly walked into the cabin, stepping ankle deep into gold goblets, plates, crosses, and jewellery laced with diamonds and gems then over the scantily clad nuns and priests to reach Gorey.
Gorey was laid back in a sumptuous soft leather reclined chair with a half-naked nun cuddled into him. Dookie lightly taps his dirty big boot on the snowflake’s naked foot.
“Oh, you scared the life out of me then dude. How are you here?”
Asks Gorey.
Our hero tells of his heroic journey over the rolling hills and farmlands in pursuit of him using the goat’s stinking ass as a beacon to follow. Still dripping with sweat, our hero downs a large class of holy water and asks Gorey to explain himself.
Gorey reluctantly starts at the beginning. Our hero listens on as he finds out about his friend’s accident, love affairs with 3 cardinals, 14 Nuns and Mr churchy church himself: pope frank in his younger years. He also learns that Gorey’ full name is Igor twatavinski and that he is a descendant of DR. Frankenstein’ helper ‘Igor’.
He learns Gorey isn’t even a snowflake, he’s 53 years old but looks so young due to his daily washing ritual in a mix of holy water and a very tiny amount of an unknown substance passed down the generations of his family tree from ‘Igor’.
The final fact Gorey tells our hero is that he is actually an agent for the Vatican, working under Vin Hoisin, on the trail of these monsters. However, whilst starting to explain the details, the pontiff woke from his nap and switched his tablet on. Then started watching his favourite show on ‘Vatican TV channel 5′. The popes’ entire delegation of perverts crowded round the dirty old demon bastard, and they watched together.
Our hero looked at Gorey with a stern stair and pointed to the door of the luxury gold plated jet. Gorey stood up, got dressed and told his real work colleagues he had to go. Vin Hoisin threw him an old-fashioned wooden torch and shouted out as the two made their way down the crystal encrusted, gold plated steps of the jet, to only light that torch when the leader was surrounded by its disciples.
As Gorey and Dookie mount Herbert the goat, Dookie states that it may be better to just tell the other snowflakes you flipped out and ran away like pussy. Gorey agreed and they made their way back to the decrepit barn.
During the journey back, Gorey tries to explain the perversity on the plane. He claims he has never seen anything like it before. In the past it had always been hushed up in back rooms, one on one like. Never like that!
Dookie can’t help but laugh as he shows Gorey the demon app footage.
“They’re all possessed dude!! But don’t worry we’ll help them next ok”
Dookie tells Gorey.
Gorey thanks him and the pair ride along on Herbert in silence. Trying to process the strange evening outcome.
Daylight was just starting to break through the night sky as they arrived back. Hillbilly ran to his goat with tears in his eyes. They rolled around in the mud hugging and licking each other as if they had been apart for years. Gorey and Dookie stood in front of the gang of Snowflakes who were clearly waiting for answers.
Dookie explained Gorey had just flipped because he’s a little bitch that got scared. The snowflakes joined Hillbilly and Herbert rolling in the mud with laughter. Pointing at their buddy as they did so. Our hero wrapped his arm around the big wally’s neck and quietly told him to suck it up.
Dookie then went over and sat with Nash, nursing his sore anus, and explained the group’s activity to him. He made sure Nash understood that this was top secret shit and he was now part of the crew.
Nash took it all in and agreed to help. In fact, he gave the perfect information:
“Tomorrow night, well tonight then or whatever! The market leader is hosting a part for all us managers at the marketplace at 7pm. We all have to attend!”
Our hero jumps to his feet!!
“SNOWFLAKES! “
He cries out
“It’s on like Donkey Kong guys! Go home and get some rest, tonight we take back our market, our rights, our happiness!! Be here 6pm sharp”
The gang applaud this, and all go their separate ways to get some rest.
D.C. masturbated.
