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DOOKIE: A COLOURFUL LIFE
CHAPTER 5
Careful; trigger warning / language
THE SNOWFLAKES
Dookie’ local Hellmart takes on replacements as do most around the Dragon Valley. Not enough though! It seems Dastardly Di the Dick only replaces one hour of work time for every twenty lost, for he wants what the politicians have. All the money!! What a dick Di is. The trickledown effect that has kept supply and demand circulating cash into society since the time it was conceived has become a proper drip. Monetary starvation has its evil grip firmly on Dragon Valley thanks to Dastardly Di and his narcissistic politician buddies. They’ve lost sight of how supply and demand rule our capitalist freedoms and by hoarding 99% of the wealth to just a few people the masses must and will rebel.
Some of the newbies at Hellmart are a different breed. They’d have to be. What normal person could afford a 7 hour per week job? So, what are these beasts? They don’t seem to be the type to rebel. Not quite fully man or woman. They can’t articulate a conversation or look you in the eye. And they all have a phone addiction. Is this how our corporate devil dares to take the rest of us down? Replace us with these minions? Dookie keeps watch over them for any tell-tale demonic behaviour.
Nothing shows on the demon app, except bright colours flowing around them. What does this mean?
After months of observation Dookie just can’t get a grip on a few of these individuals that congregate together like turds in a bowl. Nothing new is showing on the demon app, just the same bright colours. Most seem pretty average, whatever that is now, but a few stand out as extra special. He comes to realise these ‘specials’ aren’t a threat. They’re snowflakes!! It’s the only obvious outcome. He’s heard of this breed but never seen them up close.
Dookie watches on like a visitor at a zoo.
Who were these beasts with no discernible qualities, addicted to their communication devices and all fully believing they are ‘the one’! Morons. It was obvious to Dookie that he hadn’t been missing much. But these absolute fuck knuckles maybe the help our hero has been looking for. Surely underneath all the average joe, unconfident, porn and gambling addictions and raised by stranger’s freakish exterior, some of them must have some qualities he can use. Maybe he can train them. Mould them into warriors of some sort.
Our hero gets closer to the small tight knit group of Snowflakes to see what he can learn.
These few seem to be able to converse with one another confidently at will. Even when approached in a soft non-threatening manner, palms open and at arm’s length, even by customers they do seem capable of speaking to others too.
Over the next few weeks our hero sits near them at break times. Getting closer and closer to them with each passing day, to help them acclimatise to his presence slowly. He sits quietly by as they scoff down vegan sausage rolls and vastly oversized vegan puffy not quite crisp things and swill strange purple ‘smoothies’ and discuss going out at the weekend drinking.
Intrigued by the notion of these morons being let out unaccompanied in the evening to drinking establishments, he seizes an opportunity on a rainy Monday lunch time to move right up close to one of the little male ones. As Dookie nudges up closer, the little snowflake shakes nervously but carries on with his lunch; mixed nuts and a zero percent fat yogurt. He quickly finishes his chipmunk snack and places his face firmly in the comfort zone of his vastly overpriced phone, then starts perusing pictures from that past weekend’s festivities. Dookie can just about see the pictures as he leans in over the little fella’s shoulder. He’s stunned by what he sees. The males all went out wearing tuxedos and the females in evening gowns?
‘Strange behaviour for a market pub’.
Our hero thinks.
To make it more surreal one the males dressed up as superman for no reason whatsoever and the others allowed this attention seeking dick wad to continue on with them!
‘In my time we’d have slapped shit out him and sent the crazy little fucker home’
our hero thinks to himself.
Still, if they can function like this together then there is hope for sure.
Dookie carries on with his lunch time observations. Listening in over the coming weeks he learns lots more about their primitive behaviours.
+They like to drink lots
+Most identify as vegetarians, but all eat chicken
+Evan the proper vegans eat chicken when they are drunk
+Most are virgins
+All addicted to online gambling and Porn
+Photograph each meal for hashtag Reasons
Above all else, these crazy little snowflakes don’t seem to get too emotional about the job. It’s just a thing they do and that’s that. They seem to have been raised in a manner that they know fuck all about the human condition. Well, raised may be an overstatement. Dragged up by the cheapest babysitter is more apt. But it’s ok because they just had to have ridiculously overpriced toys, games consoles and phones so….basically they truly couldn’t give a shit whatsoever as long as they get toys they want. And they all want the same toys.
Back on the shop floor, Dookie watches one of them through his ‘demon app’ being berated by Nikel and…. well… nothing. The evil bile spurting out of Nikel, glows in powerful dark blood red through the app’s lens but it just flows right over the ignorant snowflake. No effect! The snowflake just lowers his head and carries on as before.
Normally when Nikel howls out his passive aggression onto an average worker the powerful colours of death and destruction peace through their body seemingly taking their heart and soul bit by bit.
Maybe these snowflakes have some kind of ‘twat’ defence? Whatever it is, this is awesome! maybe a weapon in the making! Maybe, maybe.
Let’s find out more about this group of snowflakes.
Here’s the rundown of their profiles compiled as part of our hero’ investigation.
===
D.C. – local snowflake leader
A man. Well, Half. But one hell of a half. If hell has butterflies. Ladies, Gents, Swingers, Chimps that can sign. All are welcome at Dave’s buffet of life.
The tail of the tape:
•5′ 9″
•Skinny as a little rake
•Humour; sometimes, but creepy
•Mix race: veganish / human
•Loves bum fun
•You’ll need wellies
•Dates; international
•Bad boy vegan
•Penis name: slug
•May need psychological help
•Weapon: snowflake ninja stars
•Training: His mummy won’t let him
In brief:
This fixer upper is a doozie. Made to one day be on the headline news, DC has lived life to his max. Others may say “minimum” or “o right”, but DC isn’t just DC by name. The cosmos predetermined his exclusive individuality to liken him to comic book heroes such as Mr tickle, Mr bump or pepper pig so he’s no snowflake like the rest of his pathetic age group. Sure, if you like a man that has an online and gaming profile to die for then look no further. However, like raj from the big bang theory he can’t actually speak to you ladies yet, but you’ll get the drift when he hands you a wetsuit and puts his vegan snack down.
Likes / dislikes
Likes: Large afro Caribbean ladies over the pension age with mobility issues due to weight or uneven leg length.
Likes: Tribesmen. Hunter gatherer types from the planes of Africa or India; it’s more about the loin cloth and dirty skin.
Likes to be stepped on in heels.
Role playing is a must for DC’s next partner. He loves games such as “railway sweeper vs train”, “jedi and the storm trooper” and his favourite “dancing on ice” (you get to be the judge).
Dislikes; throat punches.
Dislikes: Getting caught in your house.
Dislikes: Meaty foods and quality lunch products. Nothing turns him off more than a ham and cheese sarnie. This would really put him off his oversized bag of vegan air puff fake crisps.
Mentionable notes.
Dc does not use public toilets unless meeting a date there. He therefore confidently wears male adult nappies so he can go anywhere any time.
DC masturbates with ferocity up to 8 times per day.
DC must always be kept away from monkey’s, apes, zebras, and other seductive beasts, so days out should not be at the zoo or rainforest cafe. DC is currently banned from all rainforest cafes and all Dragon Valley farms, zoo’s, monkey worlds and 12 Matalan shops.
DC uses ‘Replens MD’ moisturiser all over his body
Current crushes
The queen, Sergei the meerkat, David Seaman, Lorraine Kelly, Cast of planets of the apes,
His next-door neighbour’s grandma, His next-door neighbour’s grandpa,
Chairman Kim of North Korea
===
===
Gorey.
This noughties missile is one for the ages. a great guy, cool dude, stud, the man are all things you’ll never hear around this misfit of society.
Tale of the tape:
•Actual height 4’2 but appears over 6′ due to his faith dragging him skyward.
•Prolapsed anus
•6 nipples
•Born in nepal to an 89 yr old virgin
•Dates: yes please
•Penis name: it’s complicated
•Weapon: anal rosemary beads
•Training: he’s an MMA punch bag
A brief history.
A once talented MMA child fighter, he was once proclaimed to be the second coming of Christ by the recently deceased pope. Gorey became best pals and fuck buddies within the inner circle at the Vatican, which helped start a new chapter of his employment. A young energetic and self-confident Gorey rode not just one but a whole habit of nuns one by one into the Pope’s future retirement villa, this young man had it all to live for. Then the accident changed his life’s course from leader of faith and bringing the world together, to working in the shadows of a well-known high street marketplace. of course, he is doing so undercover for the Vatican, his first and only true love.
The accident:
During an MMA training session outside of the Vatican City walls Gorey was struck by a moped during his warmup run. As he fell to the cobbled street, the moped landed on top of him, the rear tyre spinning at speed ripped through his hot pink skin-tight shorts pulling his scrotum from his body and ripped the penis he loved so much in two… lengthways! Doctors operated on him for ages, even missing golf that day, but Gorey was left permanently disfigured.
===
===
Bree
This anomaly of the 21st century was certainly born into the wrong time in history. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still a total snowflake fuck up, just that she should’ve been doing it in the 60’s cuz she a proper party peace.
Tale of the tape
•5’4″
•Dates: “oh I’m just having fun, giggle”
•Vagina name: the 18th
•Dildo name: 5 Wood
▪︎ safe word supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
•Weapon: doubled headed extended spinning hair curlers
•Training: kung fu, pole dance edition
•Always carries at least 4 STD’s
In brief:
This greedy bitch hasn’t had a good night sleep since her first sex education class. Like a massive weight being lifted off her shoulders, she finally realised what that thing was for and hasn’t rested since. Guys, girls, objects, that one sexy looking pony. It’s been an awakening. Using her talents and passion Brooke lived life to the full. But the burning?
After the clinic Dr’s medicated her & told her to slow down, she did and began to pray nightly. Believing her prayers had been answered when she started a new retail job and met some nice quiet playthings. Brooke finally smiled and could pee without it burning. Little did she know the pope’s b&e team installed cameras at her place for an undercover agent who had caught her scent.
Mentionable notes:
Bree never wears underwear, just in case.
Her nightly “private time” has become the number 1 show on Vatican’s channel 5.
All the snowflake guys don’t stand a chance in reality. She’s having too much fun riding the iceberg of femininity
She’ll never be able to say her safe word because of the ball gag.
===
===
Getlan
This cracker mother fuka is off the chain.
Raised by the original O.G. The gangsters all sing about, this lily-white bad ass was capping 9’s at age 6 and downing 40’S by his 10th birthday. Mind you, Snoop Dogg did host his 10th and after that bong… young Geth’ didn’t have a clue what was going on til’ he finally got up in that sticky icky icky! Yep. Syrup sponge and custard bitches!!!!! Snoop still holds out hope he will be around to witness Gethin pop his cherry but times running now Geth’ hitting his 30’s. Does D.C. hold the key?
Tail of tape.
•5′
•Depressed
•Should’ve been a hipster but couldn’t grow the beard
•Hero: sponge bob
•Not sure but thinks he likes bum fun
•Penis name: what’s the point
•Weapon: chopsticks
•Training: judo albino belt
After the death of O.G. Gethin invested his inherited fortune in what he thought was a new boy band ‘ISIS’. Turns out he fucked that up. HMRC took the mansion, boats, plane, and lands. The Bro’s n’ Ho’s all bailed. Cleared of any terror activities, Getlan now lives like a monk with a short fuse and kinky obsession for trolleys.
===
===
Tupps
This Tupperware loving wolly was clearly dropped as a child. In fact. He holds a world record since the age of just 8 months old for the most dropped child. 118 times.
Tale of the tape.
•5’8″
•Hobbies: Tupperware collecting
•Independent eyes so can see in two different directions.
•Weapon: mobile phone with pop socket attachment bungeed to him to use as a whip. Or
just in case he drops it.
•Training: come on. Really
•Fetish: naked Tupperware dancing
•Virgin
Now working at Hellmart on the bakery stall, Tupps gets sent into the ovens to check if it’s hot enough to cook the bread each day. He’s lost his eyebrows but loves his job.
===
===
Hillbilly
A complex man. An angry man. The angriest man in the land. Named hillbilly by his parents not solely due to the far reaches of his home from civilisation but after both of them, His mother, Billy and his father, Hill or Hillary in full title.
Tale of the tape:
• 5’11
•inbred
•spoon twiddler by trade
•penis name: what the fuck is that Muma
•weapons: spits bile that melts skin
•training: doorkwando
Hillbilly lives some 16miles into the rabid wilds of the valley and 12,000 feet up a mountain. He has a pet goat ‘Herbert’ who escorts him up and down the mountain each day for work and pleasure. Hill and Billy never leave the shack they built in 1902 but are glad their boy has. As the shack only has one room it’s hard to “get your fuck on” ol’ billy says.
===
===
The snowflake car
The vehicle they mostly travel in is owned and operated by DC. It’s a gigantic piece of shit. It burns oil and diesel so badly that if any of them don’t recycle the world will boil within 3 days.
The car specs
•VW
•4 door
•5 speed 3 actually work
•3 paint shades
•interior — eeewwwww
•disco ball
•lots of fake switches and neon lights
•oversized amp and speaker
===
THE SNOWFLAKES RETRO SIBLINGS; HIPSTERS
Our hero’ investigation has also taken him into the path of one or two other stand out members of Hellmart. They hang out with the Snowflakes from time to time but aren’t snowflakes. It took some time for him to work out that these slightly older weirdos were originally deemed as normal humans, but as they grew up it became apparent, they were another sub breed like the snowflakes. In fact, failed snowflakes, due to their self-awareness. They wandered aimlessly across the lands to find themselves.
Finally, wearing second-hand cords and unshaven (yet shaped and waxed) beards they found themselves gathered in a trendy cafe in dragon valley ordering £8 bowls of cereal and skinny, soya, decaf mocha latte’. They are of course Hipsters. The self away version of the numpty snowflakes. The cafe owner has since sold up her establishment ‘The Rip Off Bar’ and now resides on a cruise ship on permanent holiday.
These world savers come in vegetarian, vegan, vegan up cycler and total prick. Let’s take a look at the only ones that stood out as they are all basically the same as each other. it can be difficult to separate the male and female, nonbinary, transexual, cross dresser, self-identifying as objects, etc of these Hipster types. so, our hero has classed them as hipsters if they are generally smug as fuck, a bit scruffy but drive nice posh cars or spent four grand on a push bike, trying to be more self-aware than its worth, and like to self-harm.
===
Sausage.
If this guy gets any more hipster… well. Wearing the all too familiar beard of terrorist and the silly shirt buttoned all the way up with a non-matching equally stupid bowtie, brown cords with Mork and Mindy style suspenders pulling those trousers up just too high, so we all get to see a patch of nasty hair sprouting over the top of non-matching socks and either burgundy DM’s or those ridiculous plimsols, we all hated wearing in primary school P.E. This guy is about as individual as an OralB toothbrush.
Tale of the tape:
5’11”
Identifies as ‘a baby of the planet’
Rides a bike (a second-hand steal at two and a half grand)
Drives the Mercedes his gave him for his birthday at the weekends
Vegan
Loves sausages and M&S chicken
Vegetarian
Powers: lies like a mother fucker
Training: watches Bruce Lee films
Collects STDs
This guys a real man of the people and eco Warrior. Except Saturday nights when he likes to get shit faced on imported spirits, wines and beers. He’s not into all that local microbrew shit, ever since he got a nasty stomach bug that required an entire tree worth of toilet paper to sort out.
Has a large tattoo of a sausage on his right shoulder from a drunken night out in Amsterdam when he claimed his mother’s sausage dinners were the best thing in the world.
Not much else to say about this bell end really. When he grows up and what not he’ll be a decent fella. For now, he works with Tupps on the bakery stall putting holes in the donuts.
===
===
Lollie
Ooh a hipster vegan upcycling lesbian. Shoot me now! She has 3 topics of conversation. Veganism, lesbianism, upcycling old clothes.
Tale of the tape:
5’5″
Identifies as an ‘earth child’
Skier. But it’s ok she offsets her carbon footprint by giving money to a charity.
as that also saves the ozone layer.
Vegan but eats Nando’s chicken
Is bree’ iceberg friend
Can’t find out any more information as she won’t shut the fuck up about being a bloody vegan. But she hangs with the others so…
===
THE MEET & GREET
Now that our hero had identified his prime candidates it was time to speak to them. Show them the truths of our land and get them to agree to train with him and combat this evil empire, save Dragon valley and perhaps the world.
How can he get them to listen to him?
Should he set up a meeting or something?
How would he get them to show up?
He spent days thinking of how he could get them to talk with him. The only thing they had in common, from what he could see, was ‘dull naivety’ and that they seemed to communicate like cyborgs through their phones even when in the same room as each other on some ‘group chat’ thing.
Finally! It hit him. Out of the blue he realised. If he joins this group chat thing posing as a potential shag to one or any of them, they would be stupid enough to do anything.
Our hero set up a profile on ‘snowflake book’ and went after some of the gang. It wasn’t difficult to get them chatting this way. Flirting away with little messages he then set up the meet, the only way he knew they would all show up; He instant messaged them all as a horny bisexual snowflake wanting a gangbang of course.
He called them all to a secret meeting in an abandoned farm building a few miles away from the market, but would they really show?
They all showed!
D.C. brought protein bars, Lucozade, a wetsuit and 12 digital cameras.
Once all inside the building, our hero introduced himself.
“Hi guys, my name is Dookie and I’m the one that really asked you to come
here tonight.”
The Snowflakes and Hipsters were a gasp of this betrayal!
Gorey shouted in a temper.
“This is bullshit! I was expecting a show”
He then exposed his deformity to the room, sat on the floor, pushed his headphones into his ears and began to cry as Ed Sheeran calmed him down song by boring song.
D.C. calmly released the handles to the wheelbarrow he had loaded his supplies into and began to nervously shake. Getlan, standing next to him, reached out his right arm and slid it up over D.C.’s left shoulder. He then angled his body toward his quivering bestie and simultaneously slipped his left arm around his tiny waist, just below the belt line whilst his right arm continued to slip sensitively around the back of his neck. He held him tight for what seemed an eternity to our hero, watching on.
The rest of them stood, stupefied. Looking around as if it was a joke. Too scared to leave on their own in the dark, they stayed. Waiting for the cuddles and tantrums to be done with.
Some 25 minutes later, the horrific cries, foot stomping, tears and awkward cuddles seemed to dissipate.
Then, in a tearful and broken voice Gorey finally asked the question our hero had been waiting for.
“Why?”
Dookie replied.
“i had to get you all here to explain something and ask for your help”
Gorey didn’t seem impressed. He paused for a moment and looked to his friends with his hands out, palms up and shaking his head in disbelief he explained.
“Oh, my actual god!”
“This is the worst day of my life”
The gang all nodded in solidarity. But as our hero thought he was losing the room D.C. stepped away from Getlan’ embrace and said.
“We should hear him out guys it may be important”
With that, our hero jumped right in and began to explain the demon infestation issues and showed them the demo app and CCTV footage of Miguel being slaughtered and reborn as Nikel.
He had them. They were on the hook. Intrigued and scared they sat cross legged on the dirty floor and listened to the whole story.
“This is nuts! How can we help?”
Asked Bree.
“Well….. I want to form a unit of warriors to help me take these fuckers out! You see, I believe these are real people, possessed. They need our help to be freed”
Explained our hero.
The group sprang to their feet and huddled up like an NFL team.
D.C. masturbated.
After the huddle they had questions.
Lollie spoke for the group.
“First off. Do we get outfits? Like the avengers or fantastic 4? How are we supposed to help?”
Our hero chuckled, his belly jiggling like jelly on a plate.
“So! You’re in then yeah? You can pick outfits if you want to. I reckon you guys must have something to offer the world other than YouTube videos.”
Our hero stated.
Getlan raised his hand and excitedly proclaimed that he could render anyone unconscious with a flick from one of his chopsticks he always carried. He then pulled the chopsticks from his back pocket and flicked his wrist up toward hillbilly’s head. With what seemed like a glancing blow from the sticks hillbilly fell to the floor! Out for the count!
Our hero clapped his hands and shouted.
“Wow! That’s gonna be useful”
The gang congratulated him on his precision as they de-panted the unconscious hillbilly and began to take pictures of his tiny penis.
“we’ll get t-shirts made up with his nob on to screw with him for this weekend guys”
Bree explained in a joyful giggly voice.
The gang all fell about laughing and agreed this was the best thing they had ever done.
Hillbilly awoke, drowsy and confused he pulled his pants up and stood to his feet, asking if he’d missed anything. The gang laughed and told him to behave.
Our hero asked them to spend the next few days thinking about the stuff they’re really good at or about any special things they can do that may be able to help.
The group agreed to meet back at the old farm building in three days.
Dookie was excited. It’s finally happening, after all these years of waiting and investigating he finally felt he could begin to unleash positive moral values and a teamwork atmosphere in the marketplace.
Would it be noticed right away? Would he get ‘disappeared’?
Thanks for reading. Hope you’re enjoying these peaks into the world of Dookie. Have a great weekend guys.
